if it's going to end then let it end in flames

I'm still writing the essay about Eastern Europe. I started off so efficiently, punching out 900 solid words in an hour and bit. It was a respite after the essay that I couldn't understand last Sunday. I understood this. I was amazing.

I'm now stuck at 1221, thats just 321 in a week and bit, and I don't understand it anymore.

But the essay I got a first is the one that I didn't understand last week.

So, maybe this is a good sign.

We'll see, won't we.

under and under and under and under

I spent 6 hours procrastinating on Friday, went home for the weekend with no books, on purpose so I could have a genuine, enforced mental break. Still had "need...to...work" in the back of my mind but at least I did stuff that wasn't working, rather than sitting down to work and getting up 3 hours later having achieved nothing. I actually felt like doing some Russian at 5pm on Sunday, but couldn't, due to no books. I finally got back at 11pm but had no motivation at all. One cause of my work troubles is poor light. When I'm a grown up I'm going to spend all my money on exceedingly bright bulbs. And huge towels. I thought about going to sleep early to get up early, sunlight is the best light. But I didn't. I just can't get up if the only thing to make me is self-inforced RUS'. I called procrastinated some more. I called Ben. I slept. Got up at 10 this morning. Have spent about four hours procrastinating today, but I got a first in an essay I got back that I thought would be a diaster. This morning I wrote some words in Russian about my future aspirations and dreams "In five years time I will be independent. Perhaps I will be married." But then that means I won't be independent, but will have chosen to be dependent. Thus, asserting my independence.

slow, slow me down

Two posts in a day - crazy. But this is actually the fourth post that has been brewing in me, so I thought I'd better post before I forget it like I did number 3. Number two is scribbled down to work on later. And actually, number five is coming too, but I don't think this is the right place. And 3 per day is just far far too keen.

I'm writing an essay - "was there a blueprint for Communist takeover in Eastern Europe". It's interesting, but almost too interesting. There's too much to say, there's too much to read, and no one agrees with anyone else, because it's too complicated. What is a blueprint anyway? I think it was first forwarded as a concept by Seton-Watson, but I haven't actually read his book. It's like two and half inches thick, what I really need is a short journal article that quotes it. And where is East Europe? Does the concept only exist as a result of the Communist government in these nations? If so, then how, in 1945, before the Communist legacy had begun, how could Germany be considered "East"? It's not "East" by today's standards. Anway, I'm half way through using an argument I formulated after doing some reading, that the countries are all too different and Stalin's actions too changeable for there to have been a real clear plan, but now I'm thinking I might want to change my argument. Essentially, Stalin wanted Berlin. I think. Why did he create "puppet states" in Hungary, Bulgaria, Romania, Poland, Czechoslovakia and East Germany, but not in Yugoslavia or Albania, or Greece, Turkey or Finland, or even Italy, Austria or Sweden, afterall, they are as far East as Germany. But actually it has been argued that in Poland at least the puppet state was a 'failure' and that Polish communism wasn't Soviet communism. (Davies, I'll give a proper reference if you want) But that's all by the by. Lenin said that whoever controlled Berlin controls Germany, and who controls Germany controls Europe, Stalin just wanted justification to stay in Berlin. That's why the paths of all the other countries were a mishmash; they were just a path to the Reichstag. Maybe.

Why didn't Stalin get involved in China? And Yugoslavia had their own revolution too, if Stalin sought to create communism firstly by political means, as Seton-Watson writes, why didn't he use it.

I don't know. Clearly. This post has descended into chaos, just like the policy making in Eastern Europe did. So I'll be offskii.

this is a wasteland now

I am in a fuzzled-confused mood.

I just spent an hour reading about the number and type of museums in the former Soviet Republics, and how popular they are in each of the republics. All in Russian. What am I here for?

I just went to Tesco and bought, from the reduced section, 400g of strawberries for 74p, and a loaf of bread for 28p and some organic rocket, watercress and spinach salad because the friendly yellow sticker makes it OK to spend £2.34 on stuff that will go off before Monday on the day before I'm going home, so unlikely to make the most of it.

I also bought some seafood sticks, I haven't had them for a while. I just took them out of the wrapper. I'm going to turn into an Independent "war against waste" campaigner for a second. They are vac-packed. But then in another plastic wrapper with "Tesco" written on it and a picture of the sea. Why oh why and what for? Nevermind. The other thing I noticed was that between the vac-pack and the pack-pack there was some condensation/wetness. Which really smells of mould. Even more so than my tap water tastes of mould.

I can't wait for Yorkshire Water.

i never knew i'd know much more than this

for several weeks now
their legs have been
broken
like biscuits crumbs
stuck
in corners in the tin
shaken
dropped on the patio
cracked open
blowing away in the storm
that tears down the trees
they lay down in the mud

how long can they wait?
can they be trees again?
or will their legs drag
hard across the floor
forever?

for several hours now
the icecream van has played a tune
to call us
to worship there
at the altar with soft scoop and sauce

pour it on our heads
to stick down our hair
and fill up our eyes

we can't see
it tastes too sweet

shall we wait here in the mud?
can we tell where chocolate ends?

far away we could still run
but with no eyes
and no legs

the torsos lay discarded on the ground

you and i are both away

I'm sorry for wasting time.
I'm sorry for not doing it when it occured to me the first time.
Or the second time.
Or the third.
Fourth?


More than that

from the non-specific north west

This wasn't what was originally on my mind as I came to blog just now, but I just wrote North West and now need a quick, mild rant before I can continue.

We did a practice listening exam in Russian the other day, and one of the questions was a weather forcast, and we had to write down what kind of weather, and temperature it was going to be in several areas of Russia, which we also had to work out and write down. One area was South West Siberia, and one was East Siberia, but I didn't have much time, so I wrote down 'SW Siberia' and 'E Siberia', and got marked wrong. She put a question mark next to the letters and gave me no marks. Seriously. Is that not clear enough? Aparently not, I'll just have to remember for the actual exam.

Anyway. Today is an absolutely glorious day. I am wearing jeans and a vest top and a t shirt and it's warm and sunny and bright :) I swear it was like this in May last year. I am not, however, getting my hopes up. I am ready for wind and rain. But I don't want it.

I super-cheery-happy today. The sun has helped.

But also, yesterday I got up after one. Today I got up at 7.20am and by 1.15, about when I got up yesterday, I had done the following things :

• Dressed
• Brushed teeth
• Walked to church
• Had church
• Walked back from church
• Read Luke 13
• Cooked and prepared and ate a real meal
• Finished the essay I don't understand - an addition of 750 words
• Called Ben
• Read for an hour
• Wrote another 100 or so words for the essay that I do understand
• Went downstairs to do laundry, but discovered all the machines were taken
• Had a shower
• Got dressed again
• Went to talk to Maria

She was still asleep. In this case, the early bird has caught the worm. And she's not letting it wriggle away.

take notice, take interest

the lightbulb flickers
and the moth eats.

"farewell, begone"
say he who sits
upon the case
that stands upright
in the gutter,

"the mountain is falling,
and the road is flat,
but the terrible train
will crash on the bridge"

and so the pictured thought rises in the mist.

i am lost.
it is gone.
you won't find it down in the sea,

for there
the mermaids laugh,
and the
fishes glitter,
but no one finds
their home

you change your mind on monday

I've been to Edinburgh.
I wish my life was as friendly.
Real.
Clean.
Settled.
Interesting.
Mountainous.
Good.

your nightmares only need a year or two to unfold

Jo Whiley just played The Shins on radio one, that's the third time I've heard her do it in 3 weeks. I don't know whether to be pleased or not. I love them. I wish them success. If they get onto the playlist and therefore get played every four hours I won't get sick of them. But I hate the way Radio One tells us what to like. If they get really popular will it be even more impossible to get a ticket? Or will it be better to start with because they'll actually play in the UK more than twice a year? Will they "sell out"? Will the public like the crap songs the best? Will everyone continue to love them, and will they continue to be big when they have gone crap? I liked "I bet you look good on the dancefloor", but let's be honest, the Artic Monkeys are crap. But they're "big", Radio One gets artificially excited about their new single, tells us to like it and a nation of truckies and beauty therapist obey.